I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
