you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize