Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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