I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
