Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
