before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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