What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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