She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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