so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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