Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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