I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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