wrigley field is MILF paradise
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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