Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
