The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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