I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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