Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
