I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am puke
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
