I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I need to stop coming to work sober
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
