I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
