Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
