he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry about my life...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
