got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
