anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
