I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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