Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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