Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
