I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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