wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
