I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
