So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she peed on how many people?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
