His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
