My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
