Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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