it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The ass gains better be worth it
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