I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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