you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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