there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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