I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
