I think my fart just growled at me.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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