I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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