don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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