im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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