and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
