$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
