whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
