ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
