Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
