allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
