yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
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I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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