do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
