allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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