Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
