So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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