How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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