woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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