This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
