I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
