I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.