i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.