I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have feelings that need drinking.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
