She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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