my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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