apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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